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HE saw
her from the bottom of the stairs
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Before
she saw him. She was starting down,
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Looking
back over her shoulder at some fear.
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She took
a doubtful step and then undid it
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To raise
herself and look again. He spoke
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Advancing
toward her: “What is it you see
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From up
there always—for I want to know.”
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She
turned and sank upon her skirts at that,
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And her
face changed from terrified to dull.
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He said
to gain time: “What is it you see,”
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Mounting
until she cowered under him.
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“I will
find out now—you must tell me, dear.”
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She, in
her place, refused him any help
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With the
least stiffening of her neck and silence.
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She let
him look, sure that he wouldn’t see,
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Blind
creature; and a while he didn’t see.
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But at
last he murmured, “Oh,” and again, “Oh.”
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“What is
it—what?” she said.
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“Just
that I see.”
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“You
don’t,” she challenged. “Tell me what it is.”
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“The
wonder is I didn’t see at once.
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I never
noticed it from here before.
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I must
be wonted to it—that’s the reason.
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The
little graveyard where my people are!
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So small
the window frames the whole of it.
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Not so
much larger than a bedroom, is it?
|
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There
are three stones of slate and one of marble,
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Broad-shouldered
little slabs there in the sunlight
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On the
sidehill. We haven’t to mind those.
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But I
understand: it is not the stones,
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But the
child’s mound——”
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|
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“Don’t,
don’t, don’t, don’t,” she cried.
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|
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She
withdrew shrinking from beneath his arm
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That
rested on the banister, and slid downstairs;
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And
turned on him with such a daunting look,
|
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He said
twice over before he knew himself:
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“Can’t a
man speak of his own child he’s lost?”
|
|
|
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“Not
you! Oh, where’s my hat? Oh, I don’t need it!
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I must
get out of here. I must get air.
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I don’t
know rightly whether any man can.”
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“Amy!
Don’t go to someone else this time.
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Listen
to me. I won’t come down the stairs.”
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He sat
and fixed his chin between his fists.
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“There’s
something I should like to ask you, dear.”
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“You
don’t know how to ask it.”
|
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“Help
me, then.”
|
|
Her
fingers moved the latch for all reply.
|
|
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“My
words are nearly always an offence.
|
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I don’t
know how to speak of anything
|
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So as to
please you. But I might be taught
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I should
suppose. I can’t say I see how.
|
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A man
must partly give up being a man
|
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With
women-folk. We could have some arrangement
|
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By which
I’d bind myself to keep hands off
|
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Anything
special you’re a-mind to name.
|
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Though I
don’t like such things ’twixt those that love.
|
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Two that
don’t love can’t live together without them.
|
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But two
that do can’t live together with them.”
|
|
She
moved the latch a little. “Don’t—don’t go.
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Don’t
carry it to someone else this time.
|
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Tell me
about it if it’s something human.
|
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Let me
into your grief. I’m not so much
|
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Unlike
other folks as your standing there
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Apart
would make me out. Give me my chance.
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I do
think, though, you overdo it a little.
|
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What was
it brought you up to think it the thing
|
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To take
your mother-loss of a first child
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So
inconsolably—in the face of love.
|
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You’d
think his memory might be satisfied——”
|
|
|
|
“There
you go sneering now!”
|
|
|
|
“I’m
not, I’m not!
|
|
You make
me angry. I’ll come down to you.
|
|
God,
what a woman! And it’s come to this,
|
|
A man
can’t speak of his own child that’s dead.”
|
|
|
|
“You
can’t because you don’t know how.
|
|
If you
had any feelings, you that dug
|
|
With
your own hand—how could you?—his little grave;
|
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I saw
you from that very window there,
|
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Making
the gravel leap and leap in air,
|
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Leap up,
like that, like that, and land so lightly
|
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And roll
back down the mound beside the hole.
|
|
I
thought, Who is that man? I didn’t know you.
|
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And I
crept down the stairs and up the stairs
|
|
To look
again, and still your spade kept lifting.
|
|
Then you
came in. I heard your rumbling voice
|
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Out in
the kitchen, and I don’t know why,
|
|
But I
went near to see with my own eyes.
|
|
You
could sit there with the stains on your shoes
|
|
Of the
fresh earth from your own baby’s grave
|
|
And talk
about your everyday concerns.
|
|
You had
stood the spade up against the wall
|
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Outside
there in the entry, for I saw it.”
|
|
|
|
“I shall
laugh the worst laugh I ever laughed.
|
|
I’m
cursed. God, if I don’t believe I’m cursed.”
|
|
|
|
“I can
repeat the very words you were saying.
|
|
‘Three
foggy mornings and one rainy day
|
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Will rot
the best birch fence a man can build.’
|
|
Think of
it, talk like that at such a time!
|
|
What had
how long it takes a birch to rot
|
|
To do
with what was in the darkened parlour.
|
|
You couldn’t care!
The nearest friends can go
|
|
With
anyone to death, comes so far short
|
|
They
might as well not try to go at all.
|
|
No, from
the time when one is sick to death,
|
|
One is
alone, and he dies more alone.
|
|
Friends
make pretence of following to the grave,
|
|
But
before one is in it, their minds are turned
|
|
And
making the best of their way back to life
|
|
And
living people, and things they understand.
|
|
But the
world’s evil. I won’t have grief so
|
|
If I can
change it. Oh, I won’t, I won’t!”
|
|
|
|
“There,
you have said it all and you feel better.
|
|
You
won’t go now. You’re crying. Close the door.
|
|
The
heart’s gone out of it: why keep it up.
|
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Amy!
There’s someone coming down the road!”
|
|
|
|
“You—oh, you think the talk is all.
I must go—
|
|
Somewhere
out of this house. How can I make you——”
|
|
|
|
“If—you—do!”
She was opening the door wider.
|
|
Where do
you mean to go? First tell me that.
|
|
I’ll
follow and bring you back by force. I will!—”
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